In these increasingly polarized times, I sometimes find myself engaging in conversations that quickly turn to unproductive verbal sparring matches. Inevitably, I regret my contribution to the scenario’s incivility, the lack of resulting insight, and the potential damage to the relationship.
I often spend a fair amount of time reflecting on these conversations… contemplating what I could or should have done differently. Recognizing that I can only control my own behavior in these situations, I have assembled an admittedly incomplete set of 20 thoughts/questions for consideration. While this list is not meant to be comprehensive… perhaps you’ll see something here that’s useful.
Food for thought:
- How deliberate am I about “pre-flection” – Taking time before the conversation to consider the desired outcome… and how I will need to “be” for that to occur?
- What assumptions am I bringing into this conversation?
- Am I aware of my predilections and personal biases… and willing to suspend them to the best of my ability so I can more fully consider ideas that I might not otherwise allow myself to entertain?
- Am I entering the conversation with genuine curiosity, a drive to better understand a countervailing perspective, and a willingness to possibly change my mind?
- Am I clearing my head, desk, and hands of distractions – so I can be fully engaged in the conversation.
- Am I allowing the content of the conversation to take the dialog where it needs to go… or am I simply making sure that I cover all the points I want heard?
- Am I really listening with the intent of understanding… or just waiting my turn to talk?
- Is this truly a “dialog”… or simply “two monologs competing for airtime”?
- What behaviors do I need to start… or stop to make this conversation more productive and civil?
- Is the conversation I’m having in my head interfering with the one I’m supposed to be having with the person I’m talking to?
- Am I truly being “present” during the conversation?
- Am I asking questions to genuinely understand a differing or new perspective… or am I playing “gotcha’!” – so I can “win the debate”?
- Is my conversation more like an artful ballroom dance… or a combative boxing match?
- Am I listening for what’s “not” being said? On a related note, am I being attentive to non-verbal communication?
- Am I considering the greater context… what’s going on outside of the immediate exchange?
- Am I looking at things through a simplistic, binary, “black and white” lens…. or am I considering the potential complexity… and the many “shades of grey” that may exist with respect to the issue?
- Am I testing for understanding (both their’s and mine?)?
- Am I allowing the other person to fully express themselves without interrupting?
- Am I allowing for silence… time to foster deeper thought and reflection?
- Am I “Adulting” – Approaching the conversation with kindness and grace… and treating the other person with respect?
- (Bonus Question: Am I aware of my “triggers”… and what plans will I make for how I’ll choose to react when one occurs?)
I find that I fail miserably when I’m not deliberate about these questions and behaviors.
When I am, I learn so much more about others, the topic at hand, and about myself.
What would you add to this list?